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Well, sort of...

Poster for Wonka Experience London

We're very much a magazine about GREAT things to do. But occasionally, there comes an event so seismically bad, it captures the public’s imagination in ways that a brilliantly organised experience could only dream.

Fyre Festival. Laurence Llewellyn Bowen’s Christmas Grotto. And now… Glasgow’s Willy’s Chocolate Experience - a darkly awful event, spewed out by Chat GPT to make children cry and police arrive.

Images of Glasgow's Willy's Chocolate Experience

It pains us not to be able to write about the shoddy, AI website that boasted of the chance to “navigate through peculiar but enchanting garden collecting delicious beans of all colours, shapes and sizes.”

It hurts that we couldn’t discuss their “catgacating live performances, cartchy tuns, exaserdray lollipops” and “pasadise of sweet treats.”

It is a source of great heartache that we can’t join in with the internet’s gleeful ribbing of an experience so terrible, that children openly wept at the sight of an ‘unknown’ appearing from behind a lazily positioned mirror; the ‘meth Oompa Loompa’ staring longingly across an empty room, pondering every life decision she’d ever made; the half-hearted offering of “two jelly beans and half a cup of limeade” in place of a flowing, chocolate fountain.

So we’re impossibly grateful to the geniuses at Awkward Productions (the very same people who created an entire stage show about Gwyneth Paltrow’s skiing accident and subsequent court case) for giving us the opportunity to bash out the paragraphs above.

Glasgow willy Wonka

Why? Because they have just announced a new show: The Glasgow Willy Wonka Experience Quiz and Game Experience.

Yep, Glasgow's Willy Wonka Experience comes to London! Well, sort of...

Taking place at the Two Brewers in Clapham on March 21, the poster boldly promises a ‘Queer Immusive’ show, featuring a ‘Chocolate Fawry’ and all the gobbledygook you could possibly desire, from a show designed to be a glorious mess.

The organisers say: “If you couldn’t get your wonky ass to that warehouse in Glasgow, we are bringing it to you! Enjoy as many magnificently sweet treats you can eat (maximum one jelly bean per customer)”

The event features Linus Karp (Diana: The Untold Story) Joseph Martin (Gwyneth Goes Skiing) Rob Madge (My Son’s a Queer) and KATE MIDDLETON… or rather, drag royalty, Kate Butch.

Awkward Productions add: “Join the Oompa Loompas in their sweet, sweet meth lab, have your photos taken with our wonktatic photo ops, rescue the captured Princess and fight the evil UNKNOWN.”

Tickets cost from £12 - with a pricier £18 ticket promising to support the Oompa Loompas - and include entry to the event, a 1/4 cup of lemonade and absolutely ALL expenses spared when it comes to your customer experience.

Pack your hankies and get 999 on speed dial, because they’ve got a perfect puzzle for you.

Tickets from £12, March 21 from 19.10 -  book now 

Two Brewers, 114 Clapham High Street, London, SW4 7UJ

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